kittyglitter's Journal

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30 December 2010

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
79.4 kg	2.3 kg	20.4 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 0.1 kg a Week

30 July 2010

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
82.6 kg	0 kg	23.6 kg	100%

Add Comment Losing 3.7 kg a Week

27 July 2010

Liquid nutrition. It will save me.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
84.1 kg	0 kg	25.2 kg	Reasonably Well

(1 comment) Losing 4.8 kg a Week

26 July 2010

Disaster

In the midst of my greatest motivation, seeing my best results, my own body has opted to sabotage me. Again.

About a month ago, all was going well, but I was starting to get tired a lot. The workouts were getting hard. Then, I got sick. Then the news about the move came. Little by little I've been using the sleeping pills more as the insomnia gets worse. Groggy, I forget vitamins. Tired, depressed, panic sets in because I can't make it break. I'm too tired.

The panic is bad. Bad bad bad. We're not talking about just a panic attack. We're talking about a weakened adrenal system that won't be able to produce enough hormones to handle the physical effects of that stress leaving me vulnerable to fun things like strokes, heart, lung or other organ failure depending on which is the weakest.

I died from this 5 years ago. It's the reason I'm such a health nazi and so aware of my body.

Anyway, so we go to Hospital. And we stay in hospital getting pumped with hormones and amino acids and being kept in a very quiet and sedentary state to let the body normalize itself. This took about 2 weeks.

You know how you usually *lose* weight in Hospital? Not me. They make you eat carbs and an unholy amount of sugar then lie very, very still. So that was the first 7 or so lbs. The rest are my doctor's fault with his oatmeal this and whole wheat toast that. And his favorite word, "bedrest". Bastard.

So here I am, 10 days before I needed to be ready for my big reveal at this party, almost 20 lbs over where I *was*, 40 from where I *needed* to be.

I am unhappy with this.

I'll come back from it, and yes it's better than dying. I know, I know... That's just the challenge tho. I set goals and achievements for a *reason*, because I have no idea how long I have...really. None of us do. So I don't like it when my *own body* sabotages the goal in question.

The good news...I *will* be able to start getting up off the couch this week. This is good because I am allowed to do light swimming OR packing. I can get on board with that because while I do have A LOT of things to pack, it will be nice to spend at least some of that energy allotment on ME. :-)

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
84.8 kg	0 kg	25.9 kg	Not Applicable

(1 comment) Gaining 3.2 kg a Week

11 July 2010

Well, this is craptacular. It seems our move date won't be at the end of the year, it will be in 7.5 weeks. Ta da! *eyes crossed*

It has been decided by all involved that the positive factors which had kept me here in Atl while Eric was in AZ, (selling the condo, mostly), were not as beneficial as we thought, and in fact have been detrimental. We wanted to sell the place to have $ to put down on a place in AZ. Unfortunately, the market has not been in favor of the seller. It makes more sense for me to be in AZ, with my husband, getting help and medical treatment with Tribal support (that's a whole other rant), and finally being more hands-on in the development of the store.

The downside is that since the condo hasn't sold we don't have the downpayment yet. This means we'll be living upstairs in his mother's house in the tiny frontier town of Globe. As a lifelong city-dweller, my inner cosmopolitan is screaming for her life and feeling quite Green Acres. The rest of me is determined to enjoy the time away from the distractions, focused in on my husband, main client, and school.

While we've been working on these decisions, I've not been exercising, not been eating well. To be fair though, a large portion of my diet has been Xanax too. I feel as tho I've been in a bit of a haze. I packed my first boxes yesterday and it took more out of me than I anticipated. It's going to take some balance to ensure I have the energy to pack, exercise, panic, and support my husband as his plate is just as full and I know all those things will happen. I can plan according to those expectations.

Of course now that nutrition is paramount, it's the hardest time for me to eat well. Even when I eat good things I'm unfulfilled. Small fries and a McDouble fixed it tho. As I sat eating the McFatAss and thoroughly enjoying it, I pondered on what was *really* missing. Why did *this* feel so good? The fats? Sugars? Salt? The overfull feeling? Spending money? Its surrounded with a lot of Guilt and Shame, so why is the Sabotage what I crave? Is it about hiding? Hiding in the meat suit again?

I was never able to find a definitive answer, but as I sit here drinking a protein shake, procrastinating about the clothes packing I have to do today, knowing damn well a Baconator won't make me feel better (I don't even WANT one!), unable to stop thinking about what to eat even tho I'm not hungry... I should get busy. Now.

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