Doodlehead's Journal

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17 July 2010

I drank more water today and I noticed a difference with my workout. My muscles didn't get as tired.

Even so though, I still was dragging a bit on the morning workout and my cravings are pretty fierce right now, and I can tell part of me is fighting this whole new healthier life... but I think because I have expected this reaction, I also expect it to pass. So I have remained on path. Not that my diet is perfect...as I still have my bowl of ice cream pretty much every night but at least now I am not eating as many calories and I am continuing to workout. So I am hanging on to my final vice of a bowl of icecream..it's better than what I used to have in addition to that. Candy bars, cupcakes, hamburgers, steak, fried food, pizza on a regular bases.

So I feel proud of what I have accomplished so far. I am actually pretty amazed at what I've been able to turn down. Hubby had a box of whoppers that I only took three from. He brought home Pizza and fried fish leftovers and stopped through the McDonalds drive thru. I didn't have any of it...(well, I did steal 3 of his fries) but really, with all of my favorite bad foods stuck in front of me and I was able to refuse? Damn! Good for me!

HOW in the world did I do that? I really don't even know where this strength is coming from this time, as relying solely on will power has never really worked for me longer than 5 days.

Somehow, someway, I am remaining strong to the course of changing my life...so far. I know not to get too comfortable with that---That it's something I have to pay attention to every day and not let myself talk myself out of.

So...I'm just keepin' on keepin on'.

I definitely think getting back to doodling cartoons will help me through the meanest cravings. I find doodling so relaxing so it should settle me down.

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15 July 2010

I have accepted that some days I will feel more energetic than others. But wow, I was very very tired today. I think possibly because some of the current stressful events that I was dealing with are now beginning to settle down a bit, and though I fought through it, maybe it's left me a bit drained.

I still did my morning workout today (swearing like a sailor throughout), but I am happy I did it even though I was tired. I did my best.

It was also a busy work day, and I felt I was dragging all day.

I found myself craving the bad stuff, but I know it's just due to the "uch" feeling and it's just second nature for me to grab food to make myself feel better. This time however, I stayed alert to it, and did not give in. Especially since I did not do an evening exercise, I can't afford to give in. It took a few hours, but that wave of craving passed...for now.

It also helps to see the change in the scale, however slight, to see that it's working like I had hoped.

The biggest challenge I know will be coming in the next week. I know myself and how I have failed before. Somehow my mind gets tired of this. I mean, at first I'm all like..."Something positive, working hard, making changes...all nice and new!" In a way, by the very nature of being new... I initially succeed with a healthy lifestyle as that "newness" distracts from the stress or pain I feel. But eventually, the "newness" affect wears off, and and I slip back into my old ways of using food for comfort, which in turn makes me tired and fat, and the circle continues.

The only difference this time is I am aware of of this behavior. Ironicially I can now see everything in retrospect...just IN TIME for the present and future. So I should be able to mentally tackle this. Not sure how yet to do it as it's not like I can rid myself of pain and stress in a few days, but while I work on that mental aspect, I can find something else new (A new book, start doodling cartoons again (maybe about this experience), do something creative, whatever) to distract from any internal crap that I previously used food to soothe.

Well, I think that's it for now. I actually have worked a very long day, and should have eaten dinner earlier, but I do have a rather healthy one planned so I should be okay.

OH, and that's the other thing that has helped me this time. Planning on what I will be having keeps me on track. I can think about it all day and get psyched about it....even if it's not yummy bad for me food. LOL.

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13 July 2010

Sorry for such big blabberfest journaling. It is just for me anyway to work through all of this. I really just recently realized that our journals are public. (as I originally found this via my phone app and did entries with my phone app) Which is fine, but good god, I wouldn't want to read all of my boring blab if I were someone else. So if you are reading and it happens to help anyone else, (even if it is just to help someone fall asleep. LOL), then all the better.

Day 8 -- doing well. These are the changes I've noticed in this short amount of time:

1. EXERCISE & STRENGTH: I am exercising everyday, and as of a few days ago I was able to increase the intensity. I find that if I do the Jillian 30 Day Shred in the morning, I have more energy all day, and even enough left over to do a longer workout after work.

I have also noticed that my stamina is much better. We decided to clear out the basement, and normally I would have been exhausted after an hour, but we went strong for three hours and still had energy afterward.

2. FOOD AND WILLPOWER: For the first few days, I wasn't trying to change too much, I just wanted to observe in detail my consumption. The calorie intake was actually a little lower than I thought it would be (though I would have normally I would have taken in a few hundred more calories. But what I was surprised about was how much FAT I ate.

That helped me quite a bit, and so I started making small changes that cut down the fat by 10 - 20 grams. And in time, I will modify to an even more healthier diet.

The biggest change I've noticed is my willpower. My husband is a terrible influence. He doesn't push it on me, but because his own diet is not so great and he will still eat the things I love, it can be tricky however, I have to give myself some big pats on the back. Yesterday, we went through the McDonalds drive-thru, and I didn't order a thing. I did steal three fries from my DH though. Then today, DH bought a big package of Whoppers. I again, took ONLY three. (what IS it with me and three) ANYWAY, very happy and feel more empowered!

3. HUNGER & CRAVINGS: I've noticed the last few days that I am not craving as many calories. I feel fuller with less. Could be making some better choices as well as stomach getting used to less????

4. LIFE STRESS has been high due to some continuing personal stuff vaguely mentioned in earlier posts, (parents health issues) but each time it starts to get me down I mentally start fighting back refusing to let it take away from my health goals again. Even today, I took care of what would normally be a stressful hour long phone with a healthcare person for my folks, I decided to exercise through it and "walk and talk"

All a good reason to celebrate because each day I succeed, even with small successes, I gain more confidence that I can do it.

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09 July 2010

I started doing the Jillian Shred Video in the mornings. It's only 20 minutes, but she sure is right that it feels like a full hour as it makes you work!! The plan is to do that in the mornings and then my husband and I will walk after work. I am very sore!

I think I am off to a good start, and the biggest challenge is not letting anything get in my way. Last time I started committing to a healthier life and was doing so well, I let family health issues (mom's alzheimer's and dad's health issues)literally take over my life. I want to be there for them, but I just can't let my own health go down the drain. I have to eat right and exercise even when I am stressed and depressed.

Ironically, I have been put to that test soon after I started this new commitment to my health as another urgent family health has consumed me these last three days. The stress gets to me and makes me tired and feel weak---but this time, I fought back harder, by starting the exercise routine even earlier than I planned, and by doing it first thing in the morning because it's before all the days drama starts.

I HAVE to be healthy to have the strength for everything. The shape that I am in only makes dealing with these hard life issues even harder. Working long hours, dealing with emotionally painful things can be extremely challenging, but somehow if I give myself the gift of of healthier life, it makes me actually feel better that not only can others lean on me, but I can lean on me.

The only thing I worry about now is sleep, as the stress I'm dealing with can keep me from sleeping and that can unravel the whole thing, especially at this early stage. I don't know how to fix that if it comes up.

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07 July 2010

Right now just seeing what I eat is helping me figure out what part of my issue is. I would normally intake a few hundred more calories, not alot, but that is the slow increase in weight that has gotten me to being 65 pounds overweight in 5 years time. I am seeing as well as the amount of "fat" percentage is bad. Shouldn't really be a shocker as I know I can eat crappy food. Just seeing it brings it to reality.

I know what healthy food is and ironically, I love healthy food, I just need to schedule in enough time to prepare. I always make the schedule for the next day, at the end of the previous day's work day. I will need to add in 15-20 minutes for preparation. So what if that means I will have to work later 15-20 minutes. I work from home, so I don't have to worry about the commute. :)

I don't plan on starving myself as really the 2,000 calories a day and increasing exercise will SLOWLY get me to the goal weight, but if I don't suffer and starve I will be more likely to do this long-term.

I need to exercise in the morning but getting up earlier is amazingly hard. I think though if I just keep trying that I will do it. I was so close to doing it today, so I hope to do it tomorrow.

I just will not give myself crazy "in a hurry" expectations, but I will be slow sturdy strong and forgiving... to persevere. Like the tortoise and the hare. The tortoise method may work for me.

We'll see.

OH, and the hubby, I found is not good for me when it comes to food. He loves bad food and only this year is he gaining the visual weight. I have to be stronger with him when he pulls me into crapland. He will be good if I set my foot down, so the foot....is.....tiptoeing down sort of...hmmmm. Not sure how well that will work as my willpower in the face of yummy bad stuff is not so good. I will just have to have to really tell him that he cannot tempt me anymore and I'll give him that "The wife is serious" look. He's usually good after that.

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