kziemianski's Journal

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16 August 2011

I was really hungry all day yesterday. Even when I woke up at 3am I was still hungry. I ate a decent amount so I'm not sure what that was all about. Still went over my plan by quite a bit... but I guess we'll have those days. I did go for a run in the morning, clean the apartment, and go grocery shopping so I probably did just fine.

Things are pretty strained with everything lately. I've pretty much decided what I have to do with the BF. It sucks though. I talked to my mom last night (who I generally leave out of all of my dating decisions). This was because the only thing I've heard Mom complain about continually with Dad is that he never wants to go out and do anything. I asked her how she dealt with that when she was younger. She said that she just stayed in with him. She felt like he wasn't happy when she went out. But by then they had kids. This is something that's not going to change with him. Something like putting the toilet seat down can be trained. Wanting to go out and have friends can't be.

Now, I say I've pretty much decided. I still feel bad about this. It seems like a petty thing to decide a relationship on. All of it seems petty. Everything. I want to make a list with things I want and need in a relationship but I can't vocalize them. I want to be an equal. I want to feel respected. My petty side wants someone who likes to eat what I do. A man that eats zucchini and mushrooms and eggplant as well as steak and burgers would make my life. Although, I have discovered some new things that I like while trying to please the BF. Mashed cauliflower is a good example. Ugh. But is that REALLY what's important to me?

I figure the next three weekends are going to help me out a lot. This weekend a family friend is coming to visit. He's uh... pretty much the first guy I ever had a crush on. I don't know what we're going to do but I'd love to get his opinion on the whole thing. Then the next weekend I'm running off to Seattle with one of my college buddies. I've known her since freshman year. She'll be good to talk to as well since she moved to Seattle with no job to be with her BF even after she had cheated on him once before. But they are good together. Then just to add to the awkward chain of things, my ex is coming up for a Nonpoint concert. Him and I are compatible in a lot of things BUT will never be conveniently located to be in a relationship AND he'll never probable leave where he's working/living. After all of that I'm going to see the BF for labor day weekend. Hopefully I'll have seen into every angle of myself and be refreshed.

WOW that was more than I planned on writing! Thanks for reading if you did!

(12 comments)

15 August 2011

Alright, Comic-Con.

Cosplay is seriously addicting. I was literally in a blur of pictures for a while. Kinda like being famous but no one actually wants to talk to you. But more about that later. Highlight of the weekend first! The BF and I went to a showing of the Boondock Saints friday night. The boys didn't show up but as we were walking back to the hotel there they were! Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus were both heading into the hotel for the night. Naturally, we had to say hi. Super awkward because we were heading in the same direction and all. We ended up sharing an elevator with them. I got to shake Norman Reedus's hand. So awesome! Decided that he's way cooler than Sean in real life. He's down to earth it seemed. Sean didn't really say anything. And Norm is super attractive in real life. So... bonus! Anyway, that was definitely the highlight. We didn't ask for a picture then since we payed for a photo op. FYI the photo op was way less cool. But whatevs. Now I know. If I had to do it over I would not have payed for it.

Actually we had a super fantastic weekend overall. I wish I had stayed in my costume all day on Saturday. I missed the henchmen and the Monarch that were wandering around. :( I did find a henchman on Sunday and get a pic with him anyway. I also couldn't find my camera so we were stuck with Paul taking pictures. That was lame. I wanted a million pictures and him to be in a million pictures and he wasn't in ANY and only took a handfull.

I do believe that Paul held me back a little during this experience. Here's what I would have done different. I would have taken as many pictures as possible. I would have stayed in costume all day (it was his idea for me to change). I would have gone out to eat and had some drinks saturday instead of ordering pizza to the room. I would have spent more time on the convention floor exploring comics and things I don't know much about. I might have even tried for some signatures.

My thought here is this. Do I need a guy that likes to go out and do things or is that what I have friends for?

(8 comments)

12 August 2011

Good Morning!!

I am in a great mood this morning! The random girl I met at the Bobaflex show posted pictures as I'm re-living the night in all it's drunken glory. Lets just say that the alcohol made a lot of my pictures pretty bad but hilarious! So yeah, great mood.

BF came up last night. We stayed up and talked for a while about things. Not sure what's going to happen now but there is some weird tension. Most of the things that drive me nuts about him are easily fixable he just never really tried in the past. But even just yesterday I could see him trying a little harder. For example he actually took his shoes off in the apartment (HUGE pet peeve) and he shut the door when he went to the bathroom (I mean, come-on privacy please). I know he's willing to work with me to feel more appreciated. I think it's just hard for him since he was the little brother (by a good margin) and his dad left when he was young so he was momma's little boy. He definitely has both little brother and only child tendencies. But at the same time I'm not sure how much longer we're gonna try. I'm thinking of expanding my job search area so that I can stay in R&D. My career is going to be at least the next 30 years of my life; if I fuck it up now that's a lot of regret.

BUT! Comic-con tomorrow and sunday!! Got my costume ready. I had to make a new crown last night and it looks 10000000x better than the first one. Plus it's attached to a headband so I don't have to pin it into the wig. Legit. AND! Half day today at work. Awesome! It's our maintenance guy's last day so I'll stick around for lunch but then I'm outta here. Yeah. :D

Love love love,
KZ/DK

(4 comments)

11 August 2011

Audit Day Two.

Talked a lot last night with a friend of mine about the BF stuff. She doesn't have a lot of experience in the BF department BUT she is career oriented and that's a nice opinion to have. My career in important to me and I think that's one of the reservations I'm having with moving down to the BF. I don't have enough experience yet to land any job out there. I could get set back.

Leaving tomorrow for Comic-con! Got my tickets next to me, got my hotel reservation, got my photo-op with the saints. Ready! Dusted off the Dr. Mrs. the Monarch costume (gotta make a new crown but that's kid stuff). My other friend who was to go with us had to bail at the last minute due to financial difficulties. No hard feelings there. So, as it were, it's just myself and the BF for the weekend. This could determine the entire future of our relationship - or it could not. Who knows? I do know that he annoyed me on the phone this morning. I'll let it slide though. On the plus side, I got our hotel arrangements changed to have a king sized bed instead of two twins. Yes, this will be a good weekend. We will make it a good weekend.

But it's only Thursday for now! So Happy Thursday all!

(3 comments)

10 August 2011

*VERY LONG NOT DIET RELATED*

Audit Day,

Generally I spend audits locked in my office so that I don't cause a ruckus. This is not to say that I would necessarily do anything wrong if I didn't. The thing is that my work area to do R&D projects is in the production area. R&D and production really shouldn't share an area because it allows for a greater chance of contamination. Now, as I say, generally I lock myself in my office. Unfortunately last night my project got thrown away in a fit of audit cleaning and now I have to do it over. *le sigh* Oh well I guess.

But, since I have all day to catch up on paperwork and that one project I think I'll take this opportunity to share a bit of my man drama that I've been keeping to myself. As you may or may not know, the BF lives 6.5 hours away in Dayton, OH. I guess it's been about 2 months now. The plan has always been for me to go down there at some point. Good plan, right? Well, living on my own again has reminded me of how hard it was to live together. Things that could have been easier were not. Chores compounded on me more so than on him. I guess in an apartment there's no "manly" chores to do like mowing lawn and fixing the sink. But I'm not one for gender stereotypes. Lets be honest, he drove me nuts sometimes. As of late I've also been really confident, not just in my appearance but also in my personality. Not to sound like a bitch, but I'm pretty awesome. (hahahahaha) Maybe being with the BF has actually given me that confidence, and that's great. Anyway, because of this confidence I'm kind of getting myself in trouble. I'm not a traditional flirt but I love men. They're just great to hang out with and I generally have more in common with them. And what happens? I find myself attracted to them. Worst. But mostly I don't let it bother me because the BF and I are good together.

A couple of weeks ago my ex decided he wanted to be my friend again. He does this every so often and it is what it is. He's newly single and ready to settle down. He also remembers that I'm still awesome. I'm sure that I don't want to go back with him. But he's still managed to remind me of things that he is that the BF isn't. So now I'm starting to realize maybe I am missing things with the BF that matter? But maybe they don't. I want to make a list of what is important to me in a relationship and see if he matches. Unfortunately I have a really hard time doing that. I have a lot of diverse interests and thus a diverse attraction to men. I like rock guys and cowboys and straight up hicks and ultimate frisbee guys and runners and everyone. OK, I don't really like "pretty guys" or city guys. But I guess my main thing is that I want to be equal in a relationship.

Also recently I've run into a guy I had a crush on my whole life it seems. There's not a future in it, as he's older and has some kids and just... not something I want to get involved with. But we have been talking and he has characteristics that the BF doesn't that I'd like as well. And then I think about the fact that this guy was probably my first crush. He's what I've based my whole male opinion on.

Then, this weekend I was talking to a guy at a concert. Such a sweetheart. Not the settling down type, also no future. But good lord, there is not a thing about this guy that I do not find attractive. He's not the most attractive guy in the world, I'm just drawn to him. Bad boy appeal I guess! But, I haven't been talking to him. But I do know that I'll run into him again and I'll still find him attractive.

So, here's the thing. I'm off the market. This is true. So why am I still shopping? I can say 'til I'm blue in the face that I love my BF but sometimes I wonder what future it does have. We could raise adorable little kids and have a very happy life. We're a good couple. But I must not be 100% happy if I'm thinking about and talking to other dudes. Maybe it's just human nature. The BF and I talked last night some about where we were headed. He pretty much said that if I don't move down there in the next four months that we aren't going to continue dating. The one thing I also loved about him was that we were supposed to be a 2 way street. I would follow him in career and/or he would follow me. But now it sounds like the street isn't as equal as I thought. If I can't find a job by then I have to move down and go to grad school? Sure grad school sounds great... but I could probably find a job elsewhere that pays AND gives me training. Grad school isn't going to up my career value much more than a couple years experience. It's not like some other careers where you absolutely must have a master degree.

I decide if I'm just scared to take the jump with the BF (which if I move down there will be us getting engaged) or if I really am unsure about the relationship.

There it is FS. More than you've ever wanted to know about me! :)

~Karen

(9 comments)

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