jsfantome's Journal

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06 September 2012

I often think in ways that are fragmented. The 'job' search, or rather, the 'significance' search - has had me in emotional turmoil. Where do I fit? What am I going to do w/ myself? Yada...yada...yada...

Well, 'overeating' is not one of those things!!!!

Yet again, the carb monster snuck in...and the day to day commitment to rid myself of cravings... FAIL.

Physically feeling tired, worn out, and like CRAP... I am trying to eliminate all processed foods, and sugars AGAIN.

This all happens when I am too FREE with myself. Too full of 'sure, it won't hurt to have this one thing...' HA! YES IT WILL!!!! Here I am a week later... and it's still causing me grief.

New day...new attitude... start again!

Much Love.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
70.3 kg	0 kg	6.8 kg	Reasonably Well

(4 comments) Gaining 0.4 kg a Week

04 September 2012

Trying to get back in the swing of things...wow, what a fun, weird, sort of depressing, than rather uplifting, and totally invigorating weekend!

I had a couple of appts today, and another on Friday. Working on putting some ideas in motion regarding what I will choose to do with myself now that my days are less than full...and my time is my own. What an odd feeling!

One step at a time.

Looking at signing myself up for some Worship Dance classes... still thinking about how or if a startup school may come out of that. And I am looking at taking some formal training classes for individual counseling with women through our church. (more on that to come...depending on how this unfolds.)

I welcome each day as a wide-eyed adventure into what God would have for me and him today!!! It might be a wild ride...but I like a little excitement now and then ;)

Much Love.

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02 September 2012

Part of this journey for me...has been to work on my emotional and spiritual health. And while I have made great strides in changing my thoughts about myself - I do NOT wear insecurity well!

Hubby and I have been married for 23 1/2 years. And not always happily married. (but then anyone that says they have been...I usually raise an eyebrow at ;)

We've had our challenges. But honestly have come out the other side of those challenges stronger! Happier! Closer! But with someone who wears their heart on their sleeve (so to speak)... even the smallest of things can deeply wound a woman.

So...yesterday, hubby and I spent the day at the Beach! It was glorious. Beautiful weather, beautiful scenery... just wonderful. And then old me started to creep in... judging and evaluating the women around me...the women that walked by. What they looked like. Were they bigger than me. Smaller than me. Were they 'catching' the attention of this man I love? (NO, they were not...as he was sleeping on the blanket next to me)...but my brain power pushed on to make sure MY insecurities came rushing back in full force.

By the time we left the beach (6 hours later) - after a full day of fun in the sand, sun and waves... I felt 'less than'. Like I didn't measure up. After all of my hard work, weight lost, trips to the gym...there IS ALWAYS going to be beautiful women that look better than I do. I will never again in my life sport a two piece or bikini. Too many wrinkles and stretch marks from three beautiful children. And my thighs... oh, Lord... don't get me started!

My poor husband didn't stand a chance.

We got to the car, and I sat down...opened the window from the day's heat build up...and little did I realize that my emotional build up was going to produce a flood ... of tears!

I'm 49 years old. When in the world am I going to accept me for me? When am I going to 'out-grow' this? Am I ever going to feel like I am beautiful on the outside - like I am on the inside? (and actually, I didn't feel very beautiful on the inside while sitting there crying.)

Hubby and I have never been 'unfaithful' to one another. But he has had some issues in the past (that he has faithfully dealt with) - that used to include allowing himself the habit of 'looking'. And more than that...admiring and lusting at the visual of a beautiful, curvy, sexy 'woman'... be it a picture, a video, or in real life.

All the while, I am home w/ the kids, and my war scared abs from childbirth... thinking that I am all he wants or will ever need in life. Marriages around us dropping like flies! And some of those men - left for other (more beautiful, more sexy, better body women)... And I was just clueless.

After I realized - and after we made our feelings known to each other - he made the choice to stop his behavior and change his habits. I was unwilling to stay married or subject myself to constant comparison, even if it was just in my own head.

We've been thru counseling together. He's been through treatment independently. And he's come out the other side with a deep regret for the hurt he 'unknowingly' caused me. We have spiritually reconnected in a far more healthy way - and honestly, I couldn't be prouder of him NOW, than I ever have been before.

I just felt weak. Weary from the years of efforts. And lack of motivation to get these last 10 or so lbs off. They came off before!!! Why can't I keep things going? And why do I get these 'insecure' thoughts in my head...they make me want to give up! They make me feel like 'what's the use!!'

I know better. I DO! REALLY! This IS the battle of emotional eating. Take LIFE and add STRESS... and you will end up with an extra 10 lbs you can't get rid of!

So glad today is Sunday. I need to spend some time talking w/ God about these things today. But thanks for hearing me out here in my journal. I just needed to exhale. (I do that alot ;)

Much Love!

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30 August 2012

I've actually enjoyed the last few ... quiet days just being home w/ my hubby. Been looking at possibly starting a Worship Dance school at our church. All things food and exercise related are going well. And my little spike has returned back to where I was, before heading the BOY off to college.

Hoping to continue downward this coming week...still working towards my goals.

And a need to go clothes shopping.

Sure don't want to buy sizes that will change again in 4-6 weeks, so I just keep holding off. Can't hold off much longer...so I need to get this thing back in the 145 range.

Off to dinner...later!

Much Love.

(1 comment)

28 August 2012

Excerpt taken from a blog by Jonny Bowden. (the first part of this was a short story between him and his gf about a garden - and he compares it to 'losing weight'.)

What if

—instead of looking at the scale every day and saying “I’m not there yet”—

we looked at each decision about what to eat and what not to eat as part of a process which was enjoyable in its own right?

I know, I know—it’s radical, but go with me for a moment. What if every meal was an opportunity to affirm life, to consciously choose health, to enjoy the process of choosing wisely? What if it weren’t all about the “final result” but about the process of living in a healthy, life-affirming way?

What if healthy living were it’s own reward?

Look, there’s no real “moral” to this story, other than sometimes it’s a good thing to stop looking at a goal in terms of a “result” and begin to look at the process of working towards that goal. Maybe being in that process is the real reward, one we’re not even paying attention to because we put all our attention on achieving the final product.

When I give seminars I often ask the audience to ask themselves the “Miracle Question”:

What if I could wake up tomorrow in the body of my dreams, something realistically attainable, a body I could be proud of and happy with?

What would you do then? I ask.

The answer: You’d have to maintain it. Just like a garden.

You’d have to make—on a daily, even hourly—basis, decisions about what to eat and what to do to keep that new “magic body of your dreams” exactly the way it is. It wouldn’t happen by itself. You’d wind up doing the exact same things that would get you that healthy body in the first place.

You certainly couldn’t wake up with the “body of your dreams” and still be able to eat the same way that got you the “body of your nightmares”. Maintaining that healthy body would require you to eat in the exact same way as you would have to eat in order to get the body of your dreams in the first place.

You’d have to do maintenance.

Every single day of your life, forever (or for as long as you cared more about being healthy and vital and alive than you did about being fat, sick, tired and depressed).

So why not make that the point of the whole enterprise?

(7 comments)

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