jsfantome's Journal

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22 June 2013

2nd Journal today - thanks so much to all of you - your consistent encouragement has been a 'relief'.

Been reading about Disordered Eating and Emotional Eating. I don't think I have an eating disorder - if I did I would be honest and tell you. I just think I struggle w/ emotional eating (which to me, is a disorder of sorts!) I cannot remember a time in my life, whether happy - or devestated - and every emotion in between - that I didn't end up 'turning to food'. I celebrate w/ food. I soothe w/ food. I numb the loneliness or pain or grief w/ food. I comfort myself in ways that nothing else seems to 'fit the bill'. And once 10 lbs gained, then 20... I just seemed to give up. Was in a very negative place - and I gave up caring.

In the last few weeks, I have realized that I do care - and that physical hunger is definitely not my problem. I am going to start counseling w/ someone in an effort to move past some of the hurts. And some of the loss and grief associated w/ my Mom & Dad. It was in my initial conversation - where I was asked 'What do you want to gain out of this experience / these sessions?' - and I heard myself say "I just want to be free from thinking about it". I want a lifestyle that becomes second nature. I want to be happy with the efforts I put into each day - and when I lie down at night - I want to feel my life and my day were lived w/out regret.

I have some goals. Of course! Don't we all. I am not sure how I feel about weighing in. I'm not sure WEIGHT is one of my goals. (well it is certainly one measure...but not the number.) I want to be comfortable. Right now I am not. I want to wear clothing I think looks attractive. Right now I do not. I want to feel healthy, and active and alive...Right now...I am alive! LOL!!! (Well, actually I am a weee bit active (as I hit the gym this morning for the first time in ages!!).

I sometimes think the 'pendulum' can swing too far in either direction. Where I was once completely absorbed and motivated to lose the weight - I ended up completely not giving a rip! Burned out, and tired of 'thinking about it!'

I do know that somewhere inside this mind of mine - I know how to eat. And what to do. But I don't want to live a life of 'I SHOULD'. I want to be comfortable in my life enough to choose. So I have finally chosen not to be fat!

It may take me six months or three or 12 to walk out that choice. But I don't care. Once the pressure of the decision is off my shoulders... it's a done deal. I don't get up each day and RE-Decide every decision in my life. And this is no exception. I choose to be healthy. And happy.

I forgive myself for giving up on me. I am worth so much more. Now, it's time to get back to life... and honey is waiting... so I am off to go build/fix a garage. (that's a long story...too long...maybe another day!)

Much Love.

(8 comments)

22 June 2013

In the last month or so (as I approached the one year anniversary of my Mom's death...and the reality that I was gaining still) - I started looking for answers.

I didn't think I was depressed. I don't think most people who ARE depressed actually recognize that they are... (officially, anyway.)

Do any of you remember 'Kate' ?? Well, she was a young woman who, like Kingkeld, lost a large amount of weight... around 125lbs. She transformed herself, literally. And she was a proponent of healthy eating, actually I think she was a vegetarian...and working out, etc... calorie counting was her method. Well, I recently got a copy of her new blog...and she is gaining. And very accepting. I am not judging her...just surprised at how easily she just wants to accept it.

I don't want to justify this weight gain. For all the reasons I wanted to lose in the first place... I still want this weight to be gone.

But this time - I will be my own BEST cheerleader! THIS TIME - as much as I want each of you to succeed - I need to figure this out for ME!

I refuse to do the hard work...all over again... and ever be back in this place of 'just accepting' I will always be overweight. No! No I won't.

Stubborn is my greatest quality at the moment :)

Thanks for being so understanding...and loving...and caring! It means the world to me...

One day at a time...and yesterday, was a good day!
Much Love!!!

(5 comments)

21 June 2013

I suppose it's time for an explanation. I am truly sorry for just disappearing off the site - but a hypocrite, I am not.

This past year, and losing my Mom - well, it was simply too much. As if my brain could only focus on a certain number of things at one time, I just couldn't fight the depression and the grief - and give a rip about food, or weightloss, or anything really... I gave up.

I tried to get back on track. For a day... sometimes a week... joined Curves... stopped. Started back on low carb... stopped. It all sucked really!

I don't know what I weigh. And I don't really care. I feel fat. I look fat when I look in the mirror. (to me anyway.) And in general my clothing sizes are back to where they were when I started. So, 185? 190? 205? WHATEVER! I just don't care.

It's more work and more effort than I can muster...

I'm turning 50 in a few weeks. Totally depressed and mad at myself that I didn't do the work it took to be where I wanted to be at this milestone birthday.

Still grieving my Mom, and missing her MORE THAN EVER!

One day I will care again. But in all honesty - today ain't it.

Please just hear my heart... SO MANY of you have loved me, cared about me, befriended me... and given of yourself - support and encouragement. And I so appreciate it. It's not this site...or the people here to help... it's me. It's my life and my hurts, and my inability to stay in control. I will get there - sooner or later - I will get back to the strong woman with great determination...but until then...thank you for caring!

Much Love,
Paula

(15 comments)

19 March 2013

Just a head's up that I am going on a mini vaca - and leaving early tomorrow morning. Won't be back til Monday the 25th. Everything is going smoothly food wise, but struggling to get back into the Curves routine.

I am trying though.

After the vaca... it's kickin' into overdrive!!! :)

Much Love,
Paula

(6 comments)

17 March 2013

Holding steady - emotionally. My youngest son has been home all week on break, and is headed back to finish his second semester. Won't see him again now until the middle of may. (boo hoo!) It's always a rollercoaster!

Everything else is rolling along. No cheats. No issues. Just still feeling a bit drab. But thinking that is more sadness from the kid leaving. Tugs at a Mom's heart like nothing else!

Much Love.

(3 comments)

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