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03 September 2011
Ok i'm having trouble with this sleep eating thing late at night again....Sometimes i don't even know what i eat.I have to take Ambien i have trouble sleeping...
I do well all day and then this happens it doesn't happen every night...but it's taking a toll...
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. unaware to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball.”
Man- “That’s nice.”
Boy- “Want to buy it?”
Man- “No, thanks.”
Boy- “My dad’s outside.”
Man- “OK, how much?”
Boy- “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy- “Dark in here.”
Man- “Yes, it is.”
Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy- “$750.”
Man- “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, OK....“Don’t start that shit again.”
(13 comments)
29 August 2011
I'm maintaining the best i can,i'm off to play i will walk the entire course...
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on..
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I either Get what I want or I change my mind
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others
The sex was so good for me the other night that even my neighbors had a cigarette
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You don't sweat, you percolate
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas
People get dizzy just watching you.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
plugged in.
You help your dog chase its tail
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse
(7 comments)
24 August 2011
PLAY PLAY PLAY........I will walk the entire course........
Will just turn 4 months old....and he turn over yesterday.......my wife shot enough video to make a movie....we're trying to find a Producer now......lol...
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" "Pinocchio!!!!!!! my son "yells the old man.
(5 comments)
23 August 2011
I'm doing really Well.I'm off to play..I will walk the entire course..
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her.
Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!
The more I know people - the more I love my dog.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
(1 comment)
20 August 2011
it's been a pretty strange summer here ,always 70-80 degrees not much higher...Time to play....I will walk the entire course...
There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said,"Thyroid problem?"
Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies .
"Well, I'm curious," said the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
(1 comment)
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