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I know, I know... two journal entries this morning. What can I say? I am feeling introspective.
I forgot to mention a NSV (Non-scale Victory) in my last entry: My blood pressure was down to 106/92. When I was thin, my BP stayed right around 90/70, but after the big weight gain last year, it had jumped up quite a bit. So, that's pretty cool.
What I wanted to talk about, though, is body dysmorphia. I didn't realize that I had always sort of had it. Most of my weight loss friends have/have had it. When I was really large, I had NO IDEA how large I really was. Like, I knew I wore a size 24, but they seemed normal. Other clothes seemed small. I walked out of the house quite often thinking that I looked pretty darn good. Of course I would have liked to lose weight, but I was seriously under the impression that I held my weight well enough that I looked pretty normal... CHUNKY, but normalish.
So, then came the weight loss surgery. I had the surgery due to some other health issues and they scared me enough to be extremely motivated. I went through counselling, took nutrition classes and started working out daily. I lost 27 lbs in the three weeks BEFORE my surgery. I was wildly successful with my weight loss after surgery. I went from 297 (I think) on the day of surgery to 144 in like 8 months. The doctors were amazed. They said I should not expect to get down to less than 180 or so. (Which sounded just fine to me). I continued to maintain and slowly lose for another couple of years. I got down as low as 111, which looked terrible, and then I finally sort of settled on like 128-138. I went up and down depending on the time of month or whatever. You know what, though?? I could never see myself as thin. Once I realized that I was actually as large as I was, I couldn't UNSEE it. It was never thin enough. I wore a size 4, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't get into a 2 or a 0. I felt like I was still fat. My parents told me I looked terrible. They said I looked old. My husband started telling me that although I was beautiful (he was being nice), he liked me better with curves. He encouraged me to eat more.
Now, I am still MUCH thinner than my heaviest weight, but I can't help but see a giant mass of jello-like rolls and hang-y, flappy disgusting grossness. If I am to be completely honest, though, I never see that when I look at other people. Some of the most beautiful women I know are about my pant size. I know that part of my issue when I was thin was the excess skin. When I started gaining weight (after a hysterectomy) I actually considered the idea that filling up that excess skin might make me look better somehow. It doesn't.
I still hate the way I look, but I think I have finally come to an understanding about my weight. It isn't about being THIN. When I was really large, I somehow thought (as a lot of my overweight friends do) that getting thin was going to change my whole life. If I could just be thin, all of my problems would just disappear... I would get more respect and I would enjoy shopping and I would suddenly have a sense of fashion. That never happened. I had more self esteem when I was big.. before I realized that I was big. Have you ever read the book "Flowers for Algernon"? It is a story about a very sweet, very happy man who happened to be mentally handicapped. He didn't KNOW he was mentally handicapped. He had friends and he was happy. Then one day, they gave him a drug that made him smart. He became smarter than everyone else and lost all of his friends. Then, it turned out that the drug had terrible (and eventually fatal) side effects. It wore off. It actually reversed.. lowered his IQ even more than it had been to begin with. The difference now, though, was that he KNEW he wasn't smart. He was no longer happy. Getting "smarter" had ruined his life. So, realizing that being thin wasn't the answer to all of life's problems and realizing that being very large is also not an option, I am no longer aiming for a specific pant size or number. I have 128 listed as my goal weight, but I just chose a random number from my healthy BMI range. My goal now is to just get healthier. If I end up being able to run a mile at 144 lbs (which is still considered overweight as far as my BMI is concerned), then I will be happy at 144. I live in Colorado now. There is SO MUCH to do here with the hiking, snow-boarding, zip-lining, rock climbing, rafting, biking, etc.. and I want to be a part of it! I just want to be fit enough that I can enjoy life and not fall too far behind. I am no longer interested in trying to be "prettier" or catch the attention of anyone other than my husband (not that finding another man was EVER a goal.. the attention was flattering, though), now it isn't about vanity. (Which is what it was ALL about after the initial weight loss that made my health issues a bit less of a priority). I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and I would like to build a little self confidence.
That's it. I am done blathering now. I have to get ready to go to the gym.
Have a wonderful day, Lovelies!!
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255 kcal
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Fat: 17.59g | Prot: 15.57g | Carbs: 11.19g.
Breakfast: Atkins Mocha Latte Shake. Snacks/Other: Sugar Free Creamy Chocolate Coffee Creamer, Coffee. more...
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