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*VERY LONG NOT DIET RELATED*
Audit Day,
Generally I spend audits locked in my office so that I don't cause a ruckus. This is not to say that I would necessarily do anything wrong if I didn't. The thing is that my work area to do R&D projects is in the production area. R&D and production really shouldn't share an area because it allows for a greater chance of contamination. Now, as I say, generally I lock myself in my office. Unfortunately last night my project got thrown away in a fit of audit cleaning and now I have to do it over. *le sigh* Oh well I guess.
But, since I have all day to catch up on paperwork and that one project I think I'll take this opportunity to share a bit of my man drama that I've been keeping to myself. As you may or may not know, the BF lives 6.5 hours away in Dayton, OH. I guess it's been about 2 months now. The plan has always been for me to go down there at some point. Good plan, right? Well, living on my own again has reminded me of how hard it was to live together. Things that could have been easier were not. Chores compounded on me more so than on him. I guess in an apartment there's no "manly" chores to do like mowing lawn and fixing the sink. But I'm not one for gender stereotypes. Lets be honest, he drove me nuts sometimes. As of late I've also been really confident, not just in my appearance but also in my personality. Not to sound like a bitch, but I'm pretty awesome. (hahahahaha) Maybe being with the BF has actually given me that confidence, and that's great. Anyway, because of this confidence I'm kind of getting myself in trouble. I'm not a traditional flirt but I love men. They're just great to hang out with and I generally have more in common with them. And what happens? I find myself attracted to them. Worst. But mostly I don't let it bother me because the BF and I are good together.
A couple of weeks ago my ex decided he wanted to be my friend again. He does this every so often and it is what it is. He's newly single and ready to settle down. He also remembers that I'm still awesome. I'm sure that I don't want to go back with him. But he's still managed to remind me of things that he is that the BF isn't. So now I'm starting to realize maybe I am missing things with the BF that matter? But maybe they don't. I want to make a list of what is important to me in a relationship and see if he matches. Unfortunately I have a really hard time doing that. I have a lot of diverse interests and thus a diverse attraction to men. I like rock guys and cowboys and straight up hicks and ultimate frisbee guys and runners and everyone. OK, I don't really like "pretty guys" or city guys. But I guess my main thing is that I want to be equal in a relationship.
Also recently I've run into a guy I had a crush on my whole life it seems. There's not a future in it, as he's older and has some kids and just... not something I want to get involved with. But we have been talking and he has characteristics that the BF doesn't that I'd like as well. And then I think about the fact that this guy was probably my first crush. He's what I've based my whole male opinion on.
Then, this weekend I was talking to a guy at a concert. Such a sweetheart. Not the settling down type, also no future. But good lord, there is not a thing about this guy that I do not find attractive. He's not the most attractive guy in the world, I'm just drawn to him. Bad boy appeal I guess! But, I haven't been talking to him. But I do know that I'll run into him again and I'll still find him attractive.
So, here's the thing. I'm off the market. This is true. So why am I still shopping? I can say 'til I'm blue in the face that I love my BF but sometimes I wonder what future it does have. We could raise adorable little kids and have a very happy life. We're a good couple. But I must not be 100% happy if I'm thinking about and talking to other dudes. Maybe it's just human nature. The BF and I talked last night some about where we were headed. He pretty much said that if I don't move down there in the next four months that we aren't going to continue dating. The one thing I also loved about him was that we were supposed to be a 2 way street. I would follow him in career and/or he would follow me. But now it sounds like the street isn't as equal as I thought. If I can't find a job by then I have to move down and go to grad school? Sure grad school sounds great... but I could probably find a job elsewhere that pays AND gives me training. Grad school isn't going to up my career value much more than a couple years experience. It's not like some other careers where you absolutely must have a master degree.
I decide if I'm just scared to take the jump with the BF (which if I move down there will be us getting engaged) or if I really am unsure about the relationship.
There it is FS. More than you've ever wanted to know about me! :)
~Karen
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1589 kcal
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Fat: 87.93g | Prot: 94.96g | Carbs: 115.24g.
Breakfast: cream cheese dip, egg. Lunch: jicama, wheat bread 35, miracle whip. Dinner: subway ranch, subway cheese, subway salad. Snacks/Other: subway cookie, TLC Cherry Dark Chocolate, pure protein bar. more...
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 Comments
Karen, I read the most eye opening thing ever the other day on a post from a buddy: if you're exploring options behind door number 2 and 3, you are not happy with door number 1. It's never a good sign in a relationship that you are wanting to talk to other guys and feel other males have better qualities then the one you're with. It's normal to find other guys attractive, but thinking about them and running into them and chatting it up with them. I had the same issue - I rushed trying to move out with my ex just because I wanted to move out so badly. I thought I had reservations just about living with him - turns out I had reservations about the whole situation. Maybe a break or some time apart will give you time to clear your head. I took a break and found out that he was not what I wanted (at least for now). Good luck making the right decision for you. I hope it all works out.
10 Aug 11 by member: healthy_allie
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Allie, I think that I know that exploring options is not a good thing. I was hoping that his living elsewhere would give me a chance to figure out what I really wanted. While I know that he's not everything I want I'm still wondering if the other things are really truly important to me. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm ever actually going to find someone that I'm satisfied with, you know? The BF is the first person I've ever really seen marriage as an viable option.
10 Aug 11 by member: kziemianski
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It sounds like he's your first love, which can be hard to let go of. I saw marriage with my ex, but I think I was just wrapped up in a perfect world. When I took a step back, I saw us more as friends. I need a lot of things in a partner he didn't have (he was really a homebody and very shy, while I love going out and I am really outgoing). He was also really cheap and never wanted to spend any money and I had to work two jobs to get by. It just wasn't right. I miss him sometimes, but I just miss the idea of him. I also feel a lot of guilt. Make sure you make the right decision for you and sometimes absence can make the heart grow fonder. I had to go on a date with someone else to realize that hey, this dude isn't for me. I need a guy with more of an edge which my ex did not have.
10 Aug 11 by member: healthy_allie
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More man drama! So much of that on here lately! I have yet to have to confidence to drop mine (it is much different than everyone elses though). Anyway, I agree with Allie that if you are considering others, there is a problem. However, you need to identify that problem because it could definately be fixable. It could simply just be the distance between the two of you. My ex and I lived together and I wanted a ring. I thought I was going to get one on Christmas and I didn't. That made me realize I needed to step back and look at the relationship. I realized I wanted that perfect life but I saw that it wasn't going to be with him. I felt like his mom, doing ALL the chores. (I am the farthest thing from a homemaker!!) Long story short, I have been with my new BF now for a year and a half and I fall more in love with him every day! It still feels like day one! and I think that is important. Either way, you need to figure out the cause of your mind wandering to the other men... its the only way to find the "one" that makes you truly happy.
10 Aug 11 by member: starbird
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Allie, I wouldn't go as far to say "first love" just because of relationships I've had in the past. But he's definitely the first time I've considered a family and things of that nature. I completely get the not outgoing verse going out thing. Since college I've been running around all the time and like going out. Eventually I'd love to settle down and stay in but I'm not sure now is that time. Seemed like when he was here we just weren't out... and we tended to fight a little when we were out. Ugh. You're right though, I should make the right decision for me. I'm just not 100% ready to jump out of anything.
10 Aug 11 by member: kziemianski
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I have read/heard this said more than once in my life.. if you truly love #1 you would never consider looking for 2 of 3. Now that being said I don't think you are not in love with your current bf, but I think the distance has opened your eyes to what is really going on inside you. Now I am the queen of failed relationships so advice from me is pretty iffy at the best of times lol but I think you need too sit down and think about Karen.... and what you really want in life, some of the things that may be trivial (or sound trivial) may be exactly what you need to find in someone. Letting go is never easy - especially when you love someone, but sometimes it is the best thing to do for you. I think sitting down and taking a good hard look at everything (pro's vs con's style) and then thinking about it.. but ultimatly you need to do for you because at this moment you are the most important person in your world.
10 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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Starbird, yes, there is WAY too much man drama as of late! I do still believe the problem could be fixable, which is what is troubling me so much I think. I hate quitting anything that might be fixed. Actually we've been very open with what's going on and he's started trying harder to keep me. He said that he has to try now that he could lose me and I told him that I was always trying to make him happy because I believed he should be. I'm working pretty hard on trying to find why my mind is wandering. It's not going too fast though!
10 Aug 11 by member: kziemianski
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Pixi, iffy or not you always seem to have good advice! This story is pretty much a broken record it seems. Everyone goes through it once or twice. I do tend to lean on the side of some problems can be fixed. I think I need to lay out my pros and cons and consider who the BF is as a person compared to those. Who he is overall isn't going to change a huge deal even if the little things do.
10 Aug 11 by member: kziemianski
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I married a guy that I thought was "good enough". We shared all kinds of interests and I didn't really believe that there was a "more". Then I met the guy that I'm about to celebrate my 28th anniversary with next month. And I realized that I didn't have to settle for good enough. That it is possible to have passion, equality, love and joy and it just keeps getting better. I regret the pain that I caused Mr. Good Enough when I left him and wish I hadn't settled. I think the things you are feeling are a pretty clear sign that being with the BF is just settling for good enough and you might want to re-evaluate if that is what you really want.
10 Aug 11 by member: Rowanfair
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