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Good Wednesday morning FS people!
I am feeling a little better today than I have all week and felt like just touching in, partly to remind myself of why I am struggling this week. This has been a truly awful week for me.
Sunday:
One of my friends eloped with her deadbeat boyfriend who is abusive, older than her, using her for money, and to top it off from pictures it looks like she may have a slight baby bump.
Ran into another "friend" at a concert (the local orchestra performing with the Seattle Rock Orchestra doing a whole night of Beatles music). She was obviously on some kind of uppers and I know a few years ago she used to be addicted to quite a few. She has been having serious relationship issues so I am not surprised. But then she takes me around back and ambushes me with a professor/musician that I had a major falling out with who was just about as thrilled to see me as I was to see him. Then she kept me talking for 20 minutes after being incredibly insensitive to what I have had going on in recent months to do with the classical music scene here.
My boyfriend left that night to go on a week long vacation with a female friend of his, and we haven't been together very long so that is hard for me.
Monday:
Not enough sleep.
Crazy, passive aggressive, male coworker who is a ticking time bomb of attacking women for "rejecting him" decided that he was going to start s*** with me because my boyfriend had come by the office Friday and he had heard about it and somehow this makes me another woman "rejecting him". (No, this is not rational or explainable behavior, he just seems like the type to wind up on the 10pm news having gone on a shooting spree and he really scares me.)
Yesterday:
Still not enough sleep.
Didn't talk to boyfriend on phone Monday night or Tuesday morning like he had said we would so was feeling snippy and vulnerable (mind you it's also that TOM and I am super hormonal, crazy and on the verge of tears every couple hours as is). Talked to him last night and wound up making it a much more serious heavy duty conversation than I had meant to. I think things are ok but I wish I had kept my da** mouth shut.
Today:
Decided to try to turn the week around as my hormones are dying down a bit. Stepped on the scale to see what the damage was since I haven't been as consistent as I intended to be with workouts this week. Surprise... I was 156. I am not logging till Saturday in case this is a fluke, but if it's not then yay I have lost 2 more pounds.
Also, may be doing an early birthday celebration with my oldest and best friend of 13 years this weekend since I am turning 25 in a week and a half. So we are planning either to go swimming or maybe for a hike or something. So that should be fun, healthy, and help get my mind off stuff.
Also, the BF wants to spend Memorial Day together.
I also have had to be in contact with my ex for two days as he will be coming back to work for the same company this summer and I have to coordinate things with him. Which I am not happy about, and I think my BF was a little uncomfortable about too. :/
So... with all of that I am trying today to remember one of the more important transformations I am going through that physical health is only a part of. I am trying to learn to be kind to myself. To believe I am WORTH loving (a concept I have always struggled with). To believe that I don't have to be perfect every day, all the time for people to care about me. Also, to stop beating myself up if I miss a workout or something. I tend to tell myself I am a failure. If I am trying so hard to care for my body though, I need to apply that to my whole self.
With that, I hope that everyone here is able to love and support themselves and to be kind to themselves. <3
~Jaimie
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1174 kcal
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Fat: 46.96g | Prot: 49.23g | Carbs: 155.99g.
Breakfast: Fresh & Easy Maple Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, Coffee, Baileys Coffee Creamer - French Vanilla. Lunch: Gardein Golden Fishless Filet, Cooked Vegetables, Wild Rice (Cooked). Dinner: Cucumber (with Peel), Cream Cheese, Thomas' Everything Bagel. Snacks/Other: Glaceau Vitamin Water Zero Go-Go Mixed Berry, Tea with Milk and Sugar, Frigo Light String Cheese. more...
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2577 kcal
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Exercise:
Bicycling (slow) - 18/kph - 15 minutes, Walking (slow) - 3/kph - 1 hour, Sleeping - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Calisthenics (heavy, e.g. pushups) - 15 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Sitting - 6 hours, Driving - 1 hour. more...
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 Comments
Yes, Yes, Yes,....Please CONTINUE to learn to kind to yourself...AND as you say, learn to quit beating yourself up...it is a process...and I wish you every success in meeting ALL of your goals.... Thanks for your kind wishes to all of us!!!!
20 May 15 by member: SuccessThisTime58
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Thank you @SuccessThisTime58. It's funny how the journey to physical health forces us to face our emotional and mental health in the process. It is so much more than eating right and exercising. It really requires loving ones self and respecting ourselves which is harder than it seems.
20 May 15 by member: JaimieLBoles
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Wow missy, you have a lot on your plate. And with all that's happening you are staying focused on your progress. Keep it going. Things will pick-up. The healthy outing with your friend sounds great and hopefully a great holiday with your new BF too. Enjoy!
20 May 15 by member: ChicaLean
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What musical instrument do you play - or sing? I performed professionally for years - oboe. I am now in my second career though...
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@ChicaLean: Thank you for the support. It has been quite a taxing week. It's been sort of my "therapy breakthrough week" which sort of means reaching rock bottom and rebuilding. Trying to stay motivated though that I can do it since I am trying to rebuild my body too.
@HCB: I play the violin, though that's only been a year or two now. I started on clarinet 21 years ago. I had always wanted to try the violin though and when I did I fell in love with it. I am hoping to make classical music and celtic music more a part of my life but sadly it is secondary to my day job for the time being. What do you do?
@Glen: Thank you so much for your kindness. My boyfriend is probably the kindest, sweetest, most caring man I have ever known and I am eternally grateful for him being in my life. He was my best friend of 6 years before we decided to get together and I am definitely trying to remember that my reality is in my hands regardless of what happens with him, but to be appreciative of the kind and caring people in my life. I am hoping to end this week feeling more uplifted than how I did at the outset. :) Thank you so much for your support.
21 May 15 by member: JaimieLBoles
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And I thought I had a shitty week. What can I say, internet love and extra hugs! I saw on your profile that you do yoga, so I thought I'd chip in with my favourite online free!! yoga teacher Adriene. Lovely videos I follow that makes tough days feel better.
xx
Hanna
https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene
21 May 15 by member: hpmc0929
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Thank you @hpmc0929 and I will definitely check out the youtube videos! :) I have been trying to be extra mindful with my meditation and awareness of how my body is doing this week, so adding something new to the yoga repertoire would be good.
21 May 15 by member: JaimieLBoles
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JaimieLBoles's Weight History
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