FitOKay's Journal, 05 Jul 14

First I wanted to thank everyone here who's lent an ear, advice or support while we've been bumbling our way through this tenant disaster. You honestly have no idea how unbelievably helpful it has been to have a safe place to journal and get that help. I am not a negative person by nature but this situation has been really hard for me to handle. I think I've finally been able to put my finger on why, and hopefully that means I can put those difficulties behind me and just move forward- whatever moving forward is going to mean as this settles out (aka, hopefully no more droning on and on in my journals, lol).

I think what happened is that I had my faith in fellow man pretty abruptly pulled out from under me & it messed with my whole outlook. It's one thing for stuff that is out of anyone's control- medical, accidents, whatever. I'm pretty good at staying upbeat or at the very least looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel while rolling with life's punches. My oldest stopped breathing the first time at 6mos, lungs collapsed at 3yrs, autism. We are currently deciding whether the risk of what is possibly cancer in my youngest's brain outweighs developementally necessary hormone therapy. Not even touching on my own health or abusive childhood. Besides the occassional, 'why me/us' anyone's prone to we handle it with love & faith. I've spent my adult life surrounding myself with love, trust & happiness. For the punch to come from who we thought was a good person? It's been hard not to feel bitter. As I've said befor I am prone to giving the benefit of the doubt too much, it's an inate part of my character, but because of my childhood I also am very careful about who I give the benefit of the doubt of to begin with. I think this betrayal (dramatic word but apt) took a bite out of my sense of trust in those around me and close to me. Which is why it's been hard to deal with. I built up a trust in others after a negligent & abusive upbringing- this shattered some of that.

Now that I get that I can hopefully stop letting it drag my whole view down and get back to being me. Sorry for the double post today, but as you guys already know I like putting things into words to figure them out. Again I appreciate the support here and hopefully can get back to being more supportive myself again!