MrsTofu's Journal, 08 May 14

I find myself reminded more lately of the prevailing and overwhelming need for grace. Likewise I notice how my natural legalistic tendencies are a big handicap in that capacity. Yesterday I took the bus to visit my kindergartener's school because I didn't want to miss her last dance class (the class was doing an informal dance performance for the parents). I'm fortunate to live in an area where public transit is fairly available and moderately reliable; however, I realize I struggle with being grateful for this because my instinctive reactions to using the bus are to notice the things I don't have. (For a long time that meant a license and a car, but now it means more the underlying character struggles that makes those things more impactful--the disorganization and chronic issues with tardiness that I've had for basically my whole life.)

However, G-d blessed the experience by letting me see the trip through my infant's eyes a little bit. It was her first time riding a bus and for her it was exciting and novel and fun. She could feel the bumpiness of the road through the suspension- which she loves- and she could stand and look around. In the car she is stuck in her seat facing the rear, so the view is bland- just the back of the rear seat and possible a glimmer of the outside through the rear window. Here she could see so much more and I was holding her, plus people were smiling at her, so she was mesmerized by it all. That's quite different from the mundane, monotonous hassle that I'm used to. Bonus was that I made it to my destination on time without the last minute panic of running late and I still accomplished the few tasks I had set to do beforehand.

When I got to the metro station before catching the second bus I remember seeing an SUV drive up near the bus terminals to let a couple passengers out. My reaction was to feel indignant. The legalist in me was irate that the driver totally disregarded the road signs prohibiting regular vehicles from entering that bus lane; the kiss and ride lane was to the left and clearly marked, but the SUV drove up to the curb not far from where I stood apparently as it was much closer to the stairs that led down to the subway than the designated drop off area was. I realized that it's the law for cars to stay out of the bus lane in part for safety reasons, but though it would have been better for the driver to comply, that infraction was not unforgivable. There was a lull in the buses, so the driver was in and out quickly and the incident transpired uneventfully. It was a great opportunity for grace. Instead of being angry it was a chance to have compassion. This is not my instinct though and it's very hard for me to break free from my knee jerk legalism reflexes.

I know grace is a good thing, but a lot of times I try to dispense it through my own power and capacities- which are limited in varying degrees. There are many times when I don't want to be gracious because I am worn out-- having both kids crying at you in the morning after waking up with general anxiety and knowing that there are no lunches made is a big catalyst for that.

I don't know if it is more a function of increasing self awareness or an actual change in my biochemistry, but I notice more mood shifts and swings and more anxiety these days. Today in particular I woke up with a gnawing sense of anxiety. It wasn't a sharp, crippling anxiety, but rather a nebulous, waxing and waning anxiety- like background noise and speaker feedback in my head. What bugs me the most is that it is GENERAL anxiety. I sense SOMETHING, but whether it is a real or imagined threat I can not tell. My mind tries to sort things out and gets frustrated because the pieces don't fit together. It feels like coming across an artifact with hieroglyphics on it near a mental landmark, or finding a note you wrote yourself while in a drunken stupor: it's hard to decipher if the symbols mean anything, if it's something important that warrants attention or if it is just some junk mail/ trivial graffiti that grabbed attention due to a lack of recognition.

I know I tend to be a control freak. My self-awareness is sometimes a snare because I "need" to be able to adapt to known weaknesses. I don't adjust well to sudden changes and I don't usually have the mobility to change plans so I get a mental death grip on what information I have available to try and adapt to known conditions as best as I can. I have a lot of insecurities about performance and value because for a lot of my life I saw the two as intrinsically linked and believed I was at a deficit in both. I know I wasn't functional. In a number of ways I internalized that as part of my identity, so I struggle sometimes to understand who I am know that several things are very different from when I was younger and when I was a teenager.

Recently I realized that I used to fear looking at myself in the mirror. It wasn't so much because I hated what I saw as it was I thought it meant I was vain if I looked in the mirror too long. I remember that while I was waiting at the doctor's office for the doctor to see me I actually allowed myself to look in the mirror. (Part of it was to have smiling practice. My jaws don't line up correctly so my natural bite has what is called a class II malocclusion or an overjet- a severe overbite that makes my front upper teeth very prominent--think rabbit or gopher smile. To compensate so that my smile would make me feel less self-conscious I was trying to practice getting a sense for muscle control so that I would know what my face looked like based on how my mouth was moving and more reflexively have a smile that I think flattered my face better than the gopher smile.) In any case I sometimes notice myself staring more at my reflection not because I think the image I see is the pinnacle of awesomeness, but because I am trying to recognize myself. I see someone in the mirror and often I don't know who it is. I feel like a stranger to myself. Cognitively I know I am looking at my own reflection, but whether I am being overly philosophical or not I just feel at a loss to what that image means or represents. Maybe I'm trying to decide if I like what I see. I don't know.

I know I'm a control freak. My childhood was chaotic, as a coping mechanism I guess I sought stability by knowing what was going on, what was going to happen next. I thrive on being able to anticipate things and making plans. (I am trying to learn the whole, "seeing plans through" bit to that mix so that I feel more ok with myself because it bothers me how often I get partially through things before dropping the ball. I guess it sort of amazes me that I actually passed the road test because that marks a degree of completion that I rarely meet.

In my mind I have a mantra sort of thing playing that says, "you aren't through yet", it's a fear of premature exultation preceding a crushing failure/ defeat. I suppose that there's some purpose to it, but I know it is disproportionally active. I don't like and want fear to be so much a part of my life as it has been, but to give up fear I think I have to give up the control as well--for me that is VERY hard. Sometimes my mind is willing to be anywhere but right here, right now. It jumps to the past, reminding me of previous errors and chronic struggles. It jumps to the future casting doubt on the viability of certain dreams and aspirations. It jumps all over the place clutching at the wind to try and control that which I don't even know.

The word grace keeps coming back in my mind. I don't even fully understand, but my mind keeps trying to bring things under my own control. I don't think my life is all that extraordinary- for either good or bad-, but I feel like I've had a lot of loss that I've dealt with or tried to deal with. It's more than I've been able to handle and honestly I don't want to let go of control- even though I know it's not a reality, only an illusion that I'm chasing- because in my life the unknown has never really been a safe place, a place of rest and peace. Yet I know if I am to find grace, if I am to find rest and peace, I have to be still and I have to let go of my desire to rule my life and instead follow G-d's way. It seems my emotions are in the way, and just like the anxiety from the morning it's hard to set it aside and stay fixed in the moment. I feel like I'm speaking in circles, though these words are really a reflection of my mind and heart right now and I can't edit those to do what I want and know they "ought" to do. All I can do is say this is where I am, and try and remember that I am not alone, but instead remember that which is written which is true, noble, good, etc. Therefore, I feel like a mess but I know that it is well with me.