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If this journal seems a little scatterbrained, it's only because I'm that way too. I was feeling a little angsty/ mixed up and was hoping to process some of that through writing.
To start off I have been having my mood tide ebb and flow between contentment and satisfaction to frustration/ irritability to borderline confusion/ anxiety. Yay, hormones?! Some of it may be me being hard on myself (or not hard enough sometimes?), but one of the things I really value is excellence. I don't want to settle for complacency. I don't want to have just ok, or what "works/ gets me through the day". Personally that idea is repugnant to me. "Ok" sucks; I don't want to just scrape by, I want to thrive. I don't think that's a bad thing, I just don't know how to do it sometimes.
Time to time I've noticed passing moments of jealousy. I wish they were more fleeting like that may make it sound, but it's not always the case. I get frustrated when I see myself getting stuck there because it seems like such a waste of energy. Likewise I recognize that there are a number of lies that draw me into that snare. One in particular is that if I don't have or am not like X or performing at Y level, then I'm nobody/ nothing, I have no value on my own or nothing to offer. I can see now that that's the underlying trigger and I know it's not true, but I still trip in that because I struggled with insecurity for so long.
I remember as a young girl and as a teenager that I thought I was unlovable and the only redeeming thing about me was that I could be smart. So of course any time my sense of intelligence felt threatened- whether in my eyes or someone else's- my whole self esteem would tank and my anxiety would race. I FEARED being ordinary because I thought that would damn me to a miserable, lonely existence. If I was too much of a mess to love, and I couldn't be exceptional, what was the point of me being alive?
Having some distance from myself in that time and seeing the words written down, somewhat more separate from me, I can see how melodramatic that may look. At the time though, that was my reality. It was terrifying.
I guess that may be coming up because I sort of know what I'm doing, but also don't. Maybe it's a hunger for purpose. I know I have a purpose, I just don't know what exactly. When I look at my life I feel like I see a stage being set and I have no clue what the show is- tragedy? comedy? epic saga? - all I can see is some of the scenery. I feel like I'm supposed to be more active but I don't understand my environment enough necessarily to know how to act. At least that's how things feel.
On the one hand my purpose seems clear. I'm a homemaker. I have a husband who cherishes me and two beautiful girls who rely on me for their survival. Part of my purpose is to take care of them. To make my home a sanctuary instead of just a house. I know also that I'm G-d's child. My purpose is to love and serve Him. I can worship Him just by being a steward and caring for the people and resources He's placed in my life. It is through Him that I am able to persevere and do that when things are more frustrating (i.e, when someone is more in prickly cactus mode because he or she is bored, tired, lonely, feeling sick, angry, selfish, scared, lazy, etc.). It is through Him that I remember that when I've screwed up royal and been a prickly cactus myself that He's not just waiting to lash out at me because I've been frustrating Him.
In spite of knowing all this I feel like something's missing and it's recognizing that without really knowing what that missing piece is that is rather grating. I know more specifically I've kind of wondered what my long term goals should be. Should I try to go back to school and/ or get some kind of paying job? I was thinking about the adult ADHD assessment that I took and wondering about that. The best advice that DH gave was to ask my dr about my concerns. Perhaps part of me was annoyed/ felt that was kind of a cop out answer, but I realize that it seems the most prudent. Going back and forth in my mind anxiously at all over whether I should or even need treatment for it doesn't really accomplish anything. Sometimes I kind of wonder if I just am looking for a vent to let up built up tension/energy without really caring about being productive. Occasionally that may be ok, but I don't really want to get in the habit of doing something like that.
Additionally, it seems kismet/ poignant that while this less focused drive for purpose and direction has been ebbing and flowing in me that this weekend one of the questions I'd hear is that, "there's a reason you're here, and it's not necessarily to be a doctor or a contractor or a pastor, G-d has a plan, so what is it you are here for?" This was said at a Purim (Feast of Esther) celebration. I remember from my social science classes how it's not uncommon for people to have something like confirmation bias (like with horoscopes or personality test results where ambiguous sentiments may highlight common themes and people are inclined to see themselves in the answers because there's an answer before them)- and that things like that are why all the people with their Google and Yahoo Answers and Wikipedia MDs are not necessarily helping themselves or others with their self diagnoses. Therefore, I don't know if my inclination is trustworthy how I often felt like Ruth or Esther that I was an ordinary girl who by unusual circumstances was prepared for an extraordinary destiny. Even when I consider that I believe it's true, I still don't really know what my "such a time as this" is about. It's easier for me to say that Esther was queen and she knew she had an opportunity to save her people. However, even I can imagine that she was more than a little intimidated when her steps seemed more clear because she didn't know what the outcome would be.
Some people are naturally more plan-centric versus plan-phobic. I don't know if that is true for me, but certainly my youth gave me more of an appreciation for clear directions since plans constituted greater security than spontaneity did. Often I see how G-d, either by wisdom, a sense of humor, or a bit of both, will put two VERY different people together. In many ways this is the case for DH and me. He is strong in many areas I am not. This CAN be comforting, but it can also be a little maddening sometimes because in areas we differ it is harder to find the balance that is good for both of us. So right now that sense of, "where do I go from here?" is weighing a little more on me right now and I don't know what the answer is yet.
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