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I'm honestly a little afraid to weight myself this week after coming back from Denver. I did pretty well out there-a pastry here and a mild indulgence there, but all things considered it was a pretty easy go of it. Although, when I came back I just gave myself too much leeway in terms of eating whatever-and if there's one thing I have to remember it's not to reward myself with food. It's a little weird and silly, but I had a few interviews lined up, and because I was "so good" in CO, I went out and had a bangin smoked salmon sandwich-which was expensive on all counts. I also ate 2 filet-o-fish sandwiches and some fried after my car was towed the other night on the way home, after a party where I'd had around 5 rum and cokes. These past ten days have rattled my view on success, but I won't let it stop me.
I've had a lot of psychic chains on me for some time-a few self imposed, while others have been put on me, and others in my family, for years now-definitely generations. I know this also sounds weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who has to break out of them and it's fucking daunting. Ha, like Frodo and the Ring: Here's this thing that's wildly destructive and will cause pretty detrimental repercussions through the course of time, and yet he has trouble when he finally arrives at the fires of Mordor. In the nerdiest way possible, that's a good summation of how I feel about a few macro aspects of my life: career, health, and relationships. Tackling them all at once is overwhelming, and I've tried seemingly all angles of support and attack. But I feel now is the time to just persist-no matter what not to give up.
I went to the gym today digging my feet in. I loathe it! And I want to love it. How do I reconcile these feelings? How do I find a career which I enjoy and can be honest with myself in the long run? How do I let people into my heart without grave reservations? How do I muster compassion? I'm not a monster, but I feel myself distancing from the pack that holds me dear-like those chains tightening before their inevitable break. Hopefully this is what I'm feeling. I'm taking them off once and for all for myself and the family I hope to have one day.
View Diet Calendar, 15 December 2013:
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1765 kcal
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Fat: 92.80g | Prot: 139.21g | Carbs: 93.82g.
Breakfast: Bananas, MLO Sports Nutrition Super High Protien Powder, Cocoa Powder (Unsweetened), Silk Pure Almond Milk - Original. Lunch: Boiled Egg, Olive Oil, Whole Foods Market Balsamic Vinaigrette, Giant Eagle Cherry Tomatoes, Tanimura & Antle Sweet Italian Red Onion, Feta Cheese, Tyson Foods Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts, Great Value Romaine Lettuce, Starbucks Espresso Shot, Silk Pure Almond Milk - Unsweetened Original. Dinner: Onions, Athenos Feta Cheese, Sour Cream, Daisy Sour Cream, Ground Beef (Cooked), Private Selection Organic Romaine Heart Leaves, Old El Paso Thick n' Chunky Salsa - Hot, Tostitos Medium Salsa, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Ground Beef (Cooked). more...
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2857 kcal
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Exercise:
Standing - 1 hour, Weight Training (moderate) - 15 minutes, Exercise machine (moderate) - 15 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Desk Work - 1 hour, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 12 hours and 30 minutes. more...
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