suechru's Journal, 09 Dec 10

So apparently any weight I've gained (and I'm not sure how much because I haven't bothered to actually weigh myself in a few weeks) is mostly in the form of a giant chip on my shoulder.

I'm generally mad at the world these days. I'm mad that I can bust my ass for months on end and still end up out of work in January and that I have to hold my breath to find out if I passed my class (I did that horribly on my final last night - seriously it wasn't pretty.) I'm pissed off that nothing is working out remotely close to how I planned. I'm STILL single, still tired, still in an uncertain job situation. I'm likely going to go through at least one more year of job searching/class/temping/looking.

And it pisses me off. I have been through far more shit in one lifetime than anyone should ever have to go through and I can not catch a god damn fucking break. I drank a bottle of wine tonight for the second night in a row and I don't care. The only reason I'm even counting calories is that I don't want to go back to 272 because I'm downing alcohol.

I started crying at work again today. I hate this so much. I'm great at my job but apparently that doesn't matter because someone overseas can work for 1/8th what I'd be paid for so everything I've done over the past six months means NOTHING. I remember hearing about how in prison camps they'd make the prisoners dig their own graves and then shoot them at the foot of them. That's how I feel. Like I know I'm going to be shot but I'm being forced to dig my own grave until Jan 12th.

And no one cares. The people who love to see me down are thrilled that I'll be out of work again (if they know), everyone else... meh, if I'm not the upbeat perky optimistic person they have no use for me. So what's the damn point? I wish they'd just lay me off already so I could spend the week in bed and cry and grieve and MOVE ON instead of being in this damn holding pattern. It's completely zapped me of any holiday spirit. It wrecked Thanksgiving and every time I try to think about Christmas it just makes me tired and anxious.

I just feel like the universe hates me and is determined to keep me down in the dirt and I don't have the energy to fight up out of it anymore. Maybe if I were stick thin like everyone I worked with they'd find a job for me since I wouldn't make their insurance go up. Maybe then someone would at least want to date me.

I'm tired of seeing everything I want just out of reach, busting my ass and being denied anyway. I'm sick of it. I'm done. I'm really hoping the Mayans were right and the world is ending next year because these days it's a pretty damn crappy place if you ask me. So come on apocalypse.

Oh yeah, did I mention I still have to work overtime until they lay me off so no time for recentering really? No time to go out on lunch and see the sun or do anything really. Nope, I'm basically chained to my damn desk trying to cram in as many hours as possible so I have something to live off next month.

I can't find positive in this. I don't think there is any. I've worked myself into the ground all fall for NOTHING. I had to drop a class, I might actually fail another and for what? NOTHING. It's all I can do to even keep showing up at work at this point. My heart's not in anything anymore. I hate everyone. I hate everything. Christmas is going to be a nightmare this year due to some family issues and I've just lost all taste for the holidays.

Wake me up in late January someone. Seriously.

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2399 kcal

Fat: 59.03g | Prot: 112.61g | Carbs: 197.01g.   Breakfast: Cream (Half & Half), No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt - Pomegranate. Lunch: No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Green Tea, Bottled Water, Crunchy Granola Bars - Peanut Butter. Dinner: baby carrots, laughing cow cheese wedge, trader joe's mandarin chicken, red wine. Snacks/Other: medium apple, No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Plantation Mint Tea, Bottled Water. more...

3179 kcal

Exercise: Housework - 30 minutes, Driving - 15 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 35 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Sitting - 30 minutes. more...