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I look damn nice today. :)
I'm not going to be apologetic about it because I look nice. I look so nice someone I barely know at work complimented me on my top. I'm wearing a great pair of grey size 18 pants (From NY & Company!) that have a really thin silver stripe in them with a blue and gray shirt from Old Navy that has a flower design painted under a flower applique on the shoulder. I threw a grey cardigan wrap sweater over it and then paired it with low black ankle boots.
I forgot how much fun it was to get dressed in the morning. At 272, my options were limited to whatever was the least ugly thing I could find and what made me look the least horrible. When I started my job back in July, I went in basically khakis and plain t-shirts because that was pretty much all that fit me. I looked okay but didn't love anything I wore. I had a lot of clothes in my closet that I loved (the pants I'm wearing today, the jeans I wore yesterday) that I last wore well over a year and a half to two years ago because they just didn't fit anymore. (And in the case of the stuff from NY & Company, I couldn't get a bigger size since 18 is the biggest in the store.) Even my favorite jewelry pieces didn't fit me.
37 lbs later and I'm back in my clothes. There's still a few things in my closet that are too tight to wear (not counting my skinny clothes which include a pair of jeans that last fit me at 187lbs.), but I feel just like me again.
And more so, I feel kinda pretty. I've always been a little self-conscious about looks for various reasons - the height/weight thing and I have Bell's palsy (basically meaning one side of my face is weaker so I'm a little asymmetrical) that happened in my teens so it kind of put a big kabosh on the whole self-esteem/body comfort thing. If you're the "different" looking teenage girl that the guys won't notice, why NOT just be fat? Why even try if I'm going to be alone? That's the logic that repeated in my head for years. "If I'm going to be flawed, I might as well be fat and enjoy food."
It took me until I was 30 to realize that something like that is minor. That it's not the big gaping deformity that I built it up to be. I swear, in my mind I had like third degree burns and half my face missing. Huge difference between that and what the reality is. I spent years rejecting my body. Which lead to years of me abusing my body in so many different ways.
I'll never have the "perfect" body but it's not about perfect. At least not anymore. It's not about looking like the girl in the magazine or the celeb on tv. It's about appreciating the body that survived more crap than any body really should and coming out strong on the other side. I give my mind and spirit credit for surviving but haven't given the same credit to my body. At least until recently.
Self-love means all of me. All of what I am and all of what I was. There's no chopping out the unpleasant parts and ignoring them. I have a sparkle that's just starting to come out and one of these days soon it's going to be freaking blinding.
I will be at goal weight in May 2012 when I graduate. I know that. I know it in the depth of my soul. I have no doubt of it at this point. Just like I know before I turn 40 I'm going to run a marathon. I know this like I know the sun will rise in the morning and set at night. I know this like I knew I would finish my undergrad degree even if it took me extra time to do so.
I just know.
Affirmations for today:
1) I am beautiful and should hold my head up high (especially when I wear heels.)
2) I'm on my way to wonderful things and will achieve every one of my giant dreams
3) Change your thoughts, change your habits, change your mind, change your body, change your life
4) It's not the load that breaks you, it's the way you carry it.
View Diet Calendar, 18 October 2010:
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1592 kcal
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Fat: 42.78g | Prot: 107.71g | Carbs: 207.16g.
Breakfast: 100% Whole Grain Fiber Bread, No Calorie Sweetener Packets, Cream (Half & Half), Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt - Blueberry, Cheese Wedges, Women's Multivitamin. Lunch: Albacore Tuna in Water (No Salt Added), Light Mayonnaise, 100% Whole Grain Fiber Bread, Bottled Water, Baby Carrots, Light String Cheese, Apples. Dinner: Coke Zero, Chicken Burrito Bol (Chicken, Cheese, Rice and Black Beans). Snacks/Other: 100% All Fruit Raspberry Fruit Bar, water, Milk (Nonfat), Sugar Free Vanilla Syrup, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Organic Chewy Granola Bars - Fruit & Nut, Green Tea, Bottled Water, No Calorie Sweetener Packets. more...
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3503 kcal
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Exercise:
Housework - 30 minutes, Driving - 1 hour and 35 minutes, Sleeping - 7 hours, Resting - 3 hours, Desk Work - 11 hours and 45 minutes, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes. more...
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