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Here I is!!
So this week has been kind of like being hit by a mack truck of emotions!! Emotions I didn't realize were still there, that I'd feel & all compounded by stress! Lack of food choices had me choosing between the lesser of 2 evils but having high calorie days.
Today by 12:15 I'd had less than 300 calories & the first time in I can't even remember how many months that I DIDN'T get to eat breakfast! Let's just say, I held it together for yet another day & didn't break into tears so I'm calling it a win!!
I'm not logging the remainder of my calories today. My fin ain was direct deposited today so I went to my FAV salad place in downtown during my break, got a salad, a giant cookie & a black iced tea. The salad served as my lunch & dinner (big salad that ALWAYS is 2 meals for me). The cookie I ate about 3-4 hrs after I got it. The iced tea was unsweetened. Usually I'd add Splenda to it, but since I'm off the fake stuff, I put 1 packet of Sugar in the Raw in there. Was just right for me. This wasn't a way of coping w/ the stress. I had my lunch, but decided I needed to do something nice for myself. I've been forcing down food that I haven't really wanted to eat b/c it's what I have & it's been extremely repetitive. So I decided that since I had the money & I don't intend to eat out on it but rather buy the things I need, plus a few other things, this was going to be a treat. I might treat myself to sushi as well, but only after everything else has been purchases & there's money left over.
The stress has been so bad that my pain tolerance finally broke. I have a really screwed up nerve in my back from doing repetetive computer work for years. It takes as little as the tag of my shirt scratching against my skin to set it off. For over a week it had been inflammed & hurting. I also noticed knots in my muscles in my upper back (that's where I hold my stress). Last night I finally broke. I have 2 full size Lidoderm patches (lidocaine) from when I was doing physical therapy for my back. I have no insurance, so these are my lifeline when the pain gets unbearable that I'm in tears. Finally happened. I cut 1 patch into 6 pieces as it's just a small spot on my back that needs to be covered. I took 3 Tylenol, said something about it on FB & then passed out after taking a Benedryl. At 145am a friend that I haven't seen since maybe Dec, haven't talked to on the phone since maybe Feb came over w/ a tube of BioFreeze (best damn pain reliever in a tube) & some Vicodin! He used to be one of my closest & best friends but his actions had led me to basically cut him out of my life w/o him knowing b/c it's not my problem to notify you if you're MIA in my life. Anyway, he said it killed him to see me suffering & had to do something. He even woke up another of my best friends w/ a text asking her where he could find BioFreeze. He ended up getting some store bought gel that's like BioFreeze & made by the same company. He ended up staying till 318am when I finally told him I needed to go back to sleep (he woke me up after 1 hr of sleeping) b/c I had to be up @ 630. Long story short, it was very sweet & literally saved me from breaking into tears today from the pain. It doesn't mean that we're alright, but it does make me realize that I should talk to him & tell him (AGAIN) how his behavior & actions forced me to cut communication. That's for another DAY, when I'm not sleeping.
So tonight I bought some Wheat Thins Garlic & Parsley flatbread crackers, smoked gouda, advocado, Ghirardelli Intense Dark Toffee Interlude chocolate & a BIG bottle of Sutter Homes Moscato! I'm quite satiated from my salad that the crackers, cheese & advocado can wait for manana. I'm about 1/2 way through a full glass of wine & I'm ready for a few squares of chocolate. Considering I'm drinking a sweet wine, I don't usually eat more than a serving of chocolate which is 3 squares. I do intend to have at least 1 more full glass of wine . . . w/ some more BioFreeze gel & 1/2 a Vicodin for my back. I think I will sleep well tonight! No jaw clenching tonight (another problem of the week)!
Tomorrow I am buying my laptop & such as well as a semesters worth of snacks like nuts, dried fruit & granola bars as well as some other groceries (MEAT!!). I'll be back on logging & since I have my car to drive up through next Thurs, I'm going to the gym!! I don't care if it's for just 35 mins on the elliptical. I've done nothing this week & I NEED to workout to relieve some of this stress & tension I'm holding in my body.
Off to indulge in my chocolate & wine while I watch Remember Me! Good night FS buddies!! = )
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2601 kcal
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Fat: 119.26g | Prot: 46.67g | Carbs: 267.56g.
Breakfast: Coffee, Rich Chocolate Hot Cocoa Mix, Non-dairy Coffee Creamer. Lunch: Creamy Gorgonzola Vinaigrette, Italian Flatbread Focaccia, Kirkland Signature Dry Roasted Almonds, red pepper, portobello mushroom, carmelized onion, Blue Cheese, granny smith apple, button mushroom, Broccoli, Kidney Beans, romaine lettuice. Dinner: Moscato, Intense Dark Toffee Interlude. Snacks/Other: Chocolate Chunk Cookie, Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers, Pistachio, Water (Bottled), Red Bull. more...
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