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I can't sleep. This is actually pretty normal for me as I tend towards insomnia when stressed and my life has been pretty stressful for the last year.
Oddly enough, I started trying to remember when I was at my lowest weight back in early 2003 (187 lbs). I pulled out the skinny jeans I wore then for a few months (and have refused to throw out even though I haven't gotten into them in now six years). I have so few pictures of me from that period of my life because I was ridiculously unhappy then. (For a number of reasons.) I did something I haven't done in a while, I actually LOOKED at the jeans I wore then. I wasn't fat like I thought I was, I wouldn't say I was thin but damn I was cute. I scrounged up one of the few pics of me (in my college yearbook) and I was actually pretty. I was actually really pretty. I'd lost something like 70lbs over the span of less than a year.
Of course, some of it came back on. Then stress, then bulimia. I have a lot of nice clothes but the last time I wore them I was routinely shoving my finger down my throat and thinking about ending my life. I guess recovery makes you fat - in the way that if the behavior isn't fully changed (and you're an emotional eater) you tend to binge without the purge. Add in a career change to a straight desk job, actually going out with people on the weekends for food/drink. Some prolonged illness and somehow I ended up above what was my prior high weight.
I think I spent so many years thinking it had to be an either/or proposition. That some kind of stability and self-acceptance wouldn't go hand in hand with any kind of healthy life.
It's been a year stable for me. A full year since my last screwed up period and I guess this is why I'm actually willing to try now. No, that's not entirely correct. I finally feel safe to try. While obsessive weighing and then resulting behavior is still a worry, it's not a direct threat to me. I don't hate myself like I did then.
And I don't want to die. Ironically, that's what's spurring so much of this. That I don't want to die - and I'm actually afraid if I don't get in better shape I will. Possibly sooner rather than later. Particularly with a family history of heart attacks, stroke, etc.
Something just feels different this time around. I can't even describe it beyond some kind of cosmic sense of timing. Not even sure if that makes any damn sense. It's 3 am, I can't sleep and I need to sort some of these thoughts out. Since I haven't told my friends yet (mainly because I'm not sure how I want them to react) the only real place for me to do it is here.
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1463 kcal
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Fat: 56.70g | Prot: 68.57g | Carbs: 171.83g.
Breakfast: Stevia, Milk (Nonfat), Iced Coffee, Pepperoni Pizza. Lunch: Rye Bread, margarine, sugar free vanilla , nonfat milk, venti iced coffee, diet pepsi, french fries, chicken noodle soup, fat free italian, salad, mozzarella, pesto, grilled chicken. Dinner: water, trader joe's berries, margarine, pickle, french fries, pesto, rye bread, mozzarella, grilled chicken, trader joe's edamame. Snacks/Other: Honey Whole Wheat Pretzel Sticks, trader joe's berries, Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt - Honey. more...
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4380 kcal
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Exercise:
Wii Fit Plus - 31 minutes, Sitting - 1 hour, Walking (slow) - 3/kph - 15 minutes, Exercise machine (fast) - 33 minutes, Driving - 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 6 hours and 11 minutes, Desk Work - 6 hours, Housework - 1 hour. more...
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